listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
