Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
she looked like the before picture.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
