Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
