Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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