shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
