So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
