I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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