I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
