So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
