My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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