You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
