Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
