I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
