My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
