If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
