JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
