my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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