I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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