I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
