Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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