I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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