my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
