In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
