the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
