I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
