She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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