I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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