omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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