I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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