I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
