update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
