I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
