i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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