Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
