my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
