I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
