we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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