i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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