she woke up with a sticky ear
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
