Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
