What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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