I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
