Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
