yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
