Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
