The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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