My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
