Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
