I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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