Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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