Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
