This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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