I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
