The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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