you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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