mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
