did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This toilet bowl is my home.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
